Can't Go Without Read online

  “Can I talk to you a second?” Piper, Adrian and Tristan’s little sister, stops us as I’m walking with Samuel to get into our rental car.

  “Ummm, I’m sorry. I… we… we’re just about to leave,” I say.

  “I know it. It’ll only take a second. I promise,” she says. She looks pitifully hopeful standing out in the rain, begging me to talk to her. “Please.”

  “Yeah, okay, sure,” I relent. “Wait for me in the car, Samuel. Okay?”

  “Sure Babe,” Samuel says, kissing me on the cheek. “Don’t be long.”

  Piper and I cross the street to a small gazebo, seeking refuge from the rain. Reaching into my purse, I pull out a cigarette, lighting it with shaky hands. “I quit smoking nine months ago. Haven’t touched one since,” I confess. I don’t know what it is about this girl that’s got me so nervous. Must be the O’Donnell name in general that puts me on edge.

  “Then you probably shouldn’t now,” she replies, matter-of-factly. Kid’s got a point, really. I take two long hits off the cigarette, savoring the calming and familiar sting in my lungs and throat, before exhaling and stomping out the rest.

  “Leah, I know what my brother did to you,” she says, eyes filling with tears. “I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I know it’s unforgivable; I really do. I just wish you could forgive him—try to forgive him.” Piper wipes her eyes quickly and takes a deep breath. “Actually, what I really wish is that you could know the real Tristan, the one many people never get to see.” By this point, tears are streaming uncontrollably down her face and her breathing is coming in small, shallow breaths. “He really is a great guy. I mean it too—”

  Feeling ambushed, I say, “You seem like a great kid and all, but this is just a little too overwhelming right no—”

  “Just please hear me out. Please,” she begs. “My brother, the Tristan that I know, he’d never hurt a fly. Yeah, he’s a player, but what guy isn’t these days?” Piper argues passionately. “I just know that somehow, someway, something went wrong that night. I just can’t… cannot… imagine him doing something like that.”

  “I really need to get going,” I say, stepping out into the rain. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” Piper cries, slumping down onto the bench. “I’m sorry for what he did. I’m sorry that my family is just so fucked up… and… and… that every day I just wish I had a normal family… with normal problems… and not all this fucked-up-ed-ness.”

  Damn it.

  Damn it.

  Damn it.

  Just walk away Leah. Walk away. Get into the car with Samuel. Fly out tomorrow morning and pretend this last day did not happen. Just walk the Hell away.

  Even as I’m imploring myself to leave Piper crying in the gazebo, I’m already walking back toward her. As I sit down next to her, I wrap my arm around her shoulder, and she cries harder.

  “Piper,” I say, the words catching in my throat.

  I got a helium balloon at a carnival once. Jill told me to let it go and make a wish. Jill said that my wish would come true once the balloon was out of sight. I believed her; little girls always believe their older sisters. I let the balloon go, wishing for a baby brother. I watched that balloon until the tiny red balloon became a mere dot in the sky before disappearing into the air. I waited for my brother. I waited. I waited.

  Right now, Piper is waiting. Once I let this truth out, it’ll never be mine again. I will have to watch it float away, knowing I’m incapable of harboring it as my own any longer. It will be out for all the world to see—for everyone to know. Out of my reach. Out of my control. Gone—out there floating somewhere, like the lost, little, red balloon.

  I sigh deeply, blowing out every bit of air in my lungs, exaggerating the release, feeling the drain of the emission. “Your brother didn’t rape me,” I confess. “I lied. I lied to him, to your parents, to everyone.”

  For three years, I’ve been keeping a secret that has eaten away at my insides, making me feel like the lowest of the low. I had one night, one incredibly sexy night with Tristan O’Donnell. Things were heating up. We had some serious sex and things got a little out of hand. In the morning, I rolled over. He was gone. Getting used like that hurt—hurt like Hell. So, I fabricated some giant story of him raping me, extorting his family for money—lots of money.

  I’ve been sitting financially pretty since that day. I’d thought I’d never have to see them again until a year later when Kathryn and Adrian came knocking on my door, begging me to turn the bastard in for rape. Apparently, the virtuous and saintly Adrian couldn’t function, knowing his older brother committed such a heinous crime. Little did he know, right? Piper, their baby sister, was in the hospital at the time, we used my story, my lie, as leverage to get Mr. and Mrs. O’Devil to agree to let Adrian and Kathryn take Piper back to Charleston to live her life without the talons of the O’Donnells on her back and their shackles around her ankles.

  The whole plan worked. It worked too well. We all got what we wanted—except we didn’t really. Tristan’s been a mess since then, and I’ve had a pretty hard time looking at myself in the mirror since then. I thought paying Chet back would solve all my problems. Apparently, it just brought everything right back to the surface. That’s the thing about the past; it keeps coming back to haunt you. You can never shed the lies and hurt you’ve caused people. You just mask them for a bit, but nobody can wear a disguise forever.

  Piper’s face contorts in confusion and anguish, spotted with anger and malice. “What do you mean ‘you lied’? Who lies about that? Nobody lies about that? What’re you talking about?”

  “I’m sorry. I really am. I wouldn’t expect you to understa—”

  “Understand? You wouldn’t expect me to understand? Is that a joke?” Piper asks, her fury escalating quickly. “You wrecked him. You wrecked us. Tristan has changed so much these past three years. I don’t even know that guy in there anymore. He’s bitter, self-destructive, and reclusive.”

  Piper’s pacing franticly. “You don’t understand. Tristan’s always been into girls and drinking. But now… now… it’s different. He only drinks to hurt. He only hooks up with girls to hurt more. It’s all self-induced pain and suffering.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say foolishly, knowing my words won’t help anything. “It’s complicated.”

  “Complicated? No, it’s not complicated. You lied. You hurt my brother,” she says, angrily. “You need to tell him the truth. Tell him that you were just trying to hurt him—hurt all of us.”

  “Listen, when Kathryn, Adrian, and I decided—”

  “They know about this? You mean they deliberately—son of a bitch—that’s how they got me here! Holy shit. They sacrificed Tristan to save me.” Piper collapses onto the bench, defeated. “Well fuck that. This ain’t over; now we have to save Tristan, too.”

  I spent the next 40 minutes in that gazebo talking to Piper, explaining every detail of my sins against her family. It took some convincing, but I finally got her to see that walking back into that restaurant and confessing everything to Tristan was probably not in the best interest of tomorrow’s bride and groom and all of their guests. Piper agreed to let me buy my time and tell him after the wedding festivities ended—at which time I plan to hightail it back home—avoiding the actual confession completely. She’s way too young to understand all this shit anyway. A junior in college still has a lot of learning, maturing, and growing to do. Hell, I still have a lot too, and I’m closing quickly in on 30.

  Piper appealed to my sensitivity when she told me a story about an incident she had in high school and how Tristan bailed her out of a shitload of trouble. Piper knew she was reeling me in by my heartstrings. No matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, keep the heartstring taut and out of range, Piper grabbed onto it and pulled me in: hook, line, and sinker. I’m pretty sure she’s smarter and wiser than I originally gave her credit for—but not smart enough to see that I am lying through my teeth to her. There is no way I am going
to admit anything to Tristan.

  When Piper was in high school, she thought she was in love (much like we all do from time to time). She trusted some guy (her first mistake). One night when they were texting back and forth, and he was doing his best to woo her, he convinced her to snap a few incriminating selfies, ones that would put her mom in a tailspin of shame and disappointment. Of course, he swore that he’d never show a single soul, promising that they were for his eyes and his benefit only. Famous last words. That weekend at a party, apparently Piper was “too flirty” with one of his friends, and the douche felt threatened and betrayed. Therefore, Piper’s Mr. Wonderful blew up everyone’s phone at the party with a mass blast of her seflie sexts.

  Piper naturally left the party humiliated and full of regret. When she got home, she ran right into Tristan who was “entertaining” his girl-of-the-week. Tristan could always persuade Piper to open up to him. She told him everything that happened. Luckily for her, Tristan’s chick was a lawyer. Tristan drove his date to the party; she went in alone, threatening lawsuits and jail time for the distribution of child pornography—as the topless girl in the photos was only 16 years old.

  Nobody knew where this street-wise, tough-ass lawyer came from, who sent her, or how she knew of the incident so quickly. High school kids are dumb as fuck. They believed that she worked with a firm that was plugged in to all underage cellular and cyber technology and could bring them all up on charges for anything incriminating or indecent on their phones. She said they immediately all took out their phones and began deleting shit. Pulling out her briefcase and legal pad, she wanted to know from whom the original blast came. Without delay or hesitation, all the kids in the room pointed to the douchebag who sent Piper’s pictures. For good measure and credibility, she inquired whom the girl in the picture was, asking for her name and address. Then this lawyer with all her savvy and slyness took his phone “for evidence” and got a written apology for his actions. Opening the phone, she checked for Piper’s pictures and dirty texts. Once she located and deleted them, she took the phone and tossed it in the gutter outside their house, clearing Piper’s name.

  Tristan sat up with Piper all night while she cried. Piper said that every time she stopped crying, Tristan began lecturing her about self-respect and good choices and bad choices, until she cried again. It was an all-night cycle that made her realize that Tristan loved her and would do anything for her. She understood that Tristan held her to a higher standard even though he was extremely disappointed in the choices she made.

  Piper said that two things Tristan said that night stood out above everything else. Tristan looked at her and said, “Pipe, family will fight like Hell for you, no matter what, but remember, it’s only fair to make them fight for what’s right, what’s good in this world.” Piper knew she screwed up, claiming that she’d never make him fight for her mistakes again.

  Then, he held her close and said, “Flashing your tits and shaking your ass will get you laid for sure, but your brains and talent will get you loved… forever.” Those were the words that changed Piper’s views on guys and how to handle them. I wish someone was that blunt and straightforward with me when I was in high school. I never would’ve been in half the stupid relationships I ended up in. I sure as Hell wouldn’t have ended up in this mess with the O’Donnell family either.

  Piper looked at me, got up from the gazebo’s bench, and said, “Tristan. My big brother is ‘what’s good in this world.’ Actually, I’m lucky, because both of my brothers are.”

  That was two hours ago. Samuel’s next to me now, passed out, snoring for all he’s worth. I’m lying flat on my back, wide-awake, staring at total blackness. I’ve never truly understood how hotels could be so dark. It’s like you turn off the lights, and you’re in an abyss of black nothingness. Honestly, I feel like I’m drowning in all this darkness—in the room and in my heart. I’ve created this abyss, and I suppose Piper’s right. It’s up to me to fix it, to shed some light on everything.

  Walking back in the restaurant, hoping to avoid Leah, Piper stops me. She’s been crying. When I ask her what’s wrong, all she says is, “I just love you so much.”

  “I love you too, kiddo. I’m gonna get going though. I promise we’ll catch up—just the two of us—soon,” I say, hugging her again.

  “Leah left Tri-stand,” she says, looping her arm through mine. “Stay a little longer. Do some shots with me,” Piper begs, pulling me toward the bar. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  “Shots? With my 20-year-old sister? No thanks, I’ll pass,” I laugh, shaking my head.

  “Oh right, because you didn’t drink before you were 21,” Piper counters.

  “Now, I didn’t say that, but it sure as hell doesn’t change the fact there is no way in fuck that I’m getting shitfaced with my kid sister,” I explain.

  “Eh, Lanette wouldn’t serve me anyway—she’s all paranoid about losing her liquor license,” Piper complains.

  “So how about I throw back a few shots, and you count them,” I say. “It’ll be a blast; I swear.”

  As we near the bar, I can’t help but hone in on the tightest, shapeliest ass I’ve ever seen. “Holy Hell, now that’s a fine cut of rump—wouldn’t mind sinking my teeth into that.”

  “Tristan! You’re disgusting!” Piper squeals, laughing. “A. You can’t say crap like that to your sister. I swear I just puked in my mouth,” Piper gags and covers her mouth. “B. You can’t say that about Kathryn’s best friend. Kathryn would kill you if she heard you talk like that about Sydney.”

  “Kathryn’s best friend, eh?” I say, enjoying the view.

  “Yes! And she’s off limits. Don’t even think about it,” Piper warns.

  “Why? She married? Engaged? Dating someone? What?” I question.

  “Well no, but you just can’t go there… please… just back off,” Piper pleads.

  “How about this? What if I don’t ‘go there’ like you said, but if I end up there, then you can’t be pissed, huh?”

  “What does that even mean Tristan?”

  “Easy. Chicks like that dig guys like me,” I explain. “If she comes to me, hits on me, I sure as shit ain’t turning her down, ya know what I’m sayin’ little Pipe?”

  “Oh my God, please talk to me like I’m your sister, your young impressionable little sister,” Piper begs, rolling her eyes.

  “Young and impressionable, my ass,” I counter. “I know all about Jose. Where is he tonight, anyway?”

  “Tonight’s the last night of his community service… court-ordered… community service,” Piper says, frowning. “He’ll be at the wedding tomorrow though. I’m excited for you to meet him.”

  “Yeah, we still need to talk about his little run-in with the law. Adrian and Kathryn might be okay with what went dow—”

  “Excuse me, but you must be Dre’s older… and might I add… sexier… brother,” the butt with the stunningly gorgeous face coos.

  “Yes, you may and please do,” I say, winking at her. “Yeah, I’m Tristan. And you’re—”

  “Very visually pleased,” she says taking my hand. Leaning in close, she adds, “And really turned on.”

  “Oh my God, I am going to be sick,” Piper groans. “Sydney, Tristan. Tristan, Sydney. Now back up you two. Step away from the best friend. Step away from the brother.”

  “Piper, why don’t you run along and go play or whatever it is you do, so I can play with your big brother?” Sydney says, eyeing me very much like I was just eyeing her seconds ago—two starving animals looking for the night’s prey.

  “Not a chance,” Piper says. “Y’all can self-destruct as much as you want separately, but I’m not going to watch it go down right in front of me. This—you two—not gonna happen.”

  “I beg to differ,” Sydney says. Leaning in again and whispering in my ear, she says, “I feel like self-destructing all night long… all night long.” Holy shit. It’s like I’ve met the female version of myself. I guess I am pretty irresistible,
because she’s damn irresistible. I’m not about to even try to resist this goddess.

  “Honey, you have no idea how long that night is going to be,” I promise. “Longer and thicker than you’ve ever had.”

  “Oh God, on that note, I fold. I can’t listen to this. I’m outta here,” Piper says walking away. “Good luck Tristan; you’re gonna need it.”

  “Hey Pipe! Wait,” I call, starting to go after her.

  “Let her go. She’ll be back,” Sydney says. “We’ll chat and have a few drinks. If she doesn’t come back around, then I personally promise I’ll help you go find her and smooth everything back out.” Glancing around, I notice that Piper’s already engaged in conversation with two older ladies, laughing.

  “Alright, I’m game,” I say. “But if it turns out she’s really pissed, I’m putting all the blame on you.”

  “I hope that’s not all you’re going to put on me,” Sydney states, winking at me and licking her upper lip.

  Man, she’s good. “So… uh… Sydney, you look awfully familiar,” I say, moving in closer to her. “Have I seen you somewhere before?”

  “Tristan… awwww poo… I’m disappointed. I thought you’d be better than that. Is that the best pickup line you’ve got?” Sydney asks, batting her long lashes at me. The look. The pouty lip. The sexy eyes and kickass, flawless body. It hits me all at once.

  “Holy shit!” I say, not believing my eyes—and my luck. “You’re fucking Ivy Sterling. Holy fuck.”

  Sydney looks around nervously, and then lifts her head and smiles, “Sssh, keep it down will ya? And… you may just get to see firsthand how I got so incredibly famous.”

  “Damn, you’re even hotter in person,” I compliment. “It looks like it’s going to be a ‘Check it off the bucket list’ kind of night.”